For me, I do not celebrate Father's Day. It just isn't something I do. I don't believe that I am required to show the expected respect that is shown on Father's Day that is due to my own Father because that would mean that he was actually instrumental to me at some point in my life and didn't just trash it like Godzilla. And maybe he was and I'm just forgetting, but I doubt it and I don't remember it. Now as an adult, I'm not forced to play along on some charade, so I don't. And it feels way more authentic to me.
That being said, I have no problem celebrating others Father's Day. And a year from now, my child will be celebrating with his own Daddy. I guess because my bond with my own 'dad' is so screwed up, I worry so much about the bond that my child will have with his/her father. I don't think that I need to worry as much as I do, but because I am a worrier at heart and because I have just cause from my own upbringing - I often wonder how it'll be.
I'm gloomy today, like I am most years. Just yet another reminder of what I didn't have for the majority of my growing up growing up years - the important ones. That I came to terms that I'll never have what I so desperately desired. I was the monkey doing the dance with the cymbals in my hands trying my damnest to be the image of what I thought he wanted me to be. And it's another reminder of the scar that I have from waving goodbye at that pipe dream many years ago. And as much as I think I've completely let it go, part of me will always hope, even if just a little, that I can revert back to my 6 year old self where I actually had a Dad. And I was Daddy's Little Girl. And I felt whole, loved and complete because he loved me in a way I understood love. Now, I'm speaking English and he's off somewhere speaking Klingon and there is no interpreter. And there is way too much water on that bridge for me to consider any sort or type of relationship a possibility.
Sad, isn't it?
~J
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